Mental Paralysis … Truth and Transparency
Freedom . . . free mindset, free thinking, freedom in the way I speak, free in how I raised my sons.
That expression of freedom even got me fired a couple of times, but I went back to work the next day like nothing happened. Man, I was a single parent with two boys to feed and clothe, I wasn’t trying to hear, “Cassandra, we’re going to have to let you go.”
My response, “Yeah okay, see you tomorrow.” I clocked in the next day and went on with my shift.
WOW, as I think back to the way I was in my early twenties and thirties, I have a longing for that younger me. I was bold in my thinking, I lived in motion, there was no such thing as procrastination. If I thought it, I moved forward in accomplishing whatever “it” was.
Lack of sleep, lack of knowledge and lack of money did not hinder me in whatever I wanted to achieve. I didn’t dwell upon anyone’s opinion, nor did I seek it. Why? No one else’s opinion was relevant to the process of me accomplishing what was at hand.
So, what happened?
Somewhere along the way my focus changed, I lost my way and I began seeking the opinion of others and their opinions became the gospel for me. Why? At first I had no idea. However, as I reflected on my life I realized once my sons became young men and I had equipped them to seek God and to care for themselves. My focus and my drive was gone. My entire life evolved around my sons.
I had to ask myself, “So now who am I? What do I enjoy? Do I remember my dreams and do I have the unction to achieve them for myself?” The answer was, “No!”
I NEEDED A PROJECT
Even though I had not been married long I began to see our marriage as my next project instead of my marital relationship. I began to mimic my parents marriage, television show marriages and layered in information from Marriage Ministry, where we served. Big, BIg, BIG mistake.
I was so lost, I no longer knew who I was. I began to wear masks. I sought the opinions of others and took their opinions of me and dissected myself down to a person I didn’t know or like. So I created a walk-in closet of masks, and depending upon the occasion I wore the mask that allowed me to blend in and to become a part of the crowd. What a sad, hot mess.
Well, needless to say, my husband and I began having challenges in our marriage, infidelity, control issues and so much more. I spiraled into a mental darkness; depression and fear became a big part of my life. For several years I existed in mental paralysis. The focused, organized and strategic planning side of me no longer existed. I worked, but the highlight of my day was to rush home, sit on my sofa and watch other people live their lives on television. I had no purpose or at least that’s what I thought.
A few years past and I slowly began to renew my relationship with God and had a honest conversation with myself. If I desired to live and not just exist I needed to put in the work. Which meant purging a few things, the relationships that fed off me wallowing in self-pity, the masks and emotional bondage. This was a P A I N F U L process!
But isn’t that life, a journey of our good, bad and coyote ugly experiences? I’ve decided to take those experiences and share them in literary form, to help me persevere beyond my fears and empower others. Guess what? By doing that each second, each minute, each day, I find my voice and there lies a piece of the woven fabric of my purpose.
Are you intrigued? Are you looking to take another step inside my literary mind? Check out my first book, When the Mask Cracks.
Originally published at https://getting2therootofit.com/2016/12/11/truth-and-transparency/ on December 11, 2016.
